1. You can’t fix your brakes because you’ve forgotten to pack a syringe.
2. You have to wait at the end of every descent because one of your group is still riding 26″.
3. You’ve just stolen an awesome KOM but you’re unable to make your Strava ride public as you’ve ridden too many “off-piste” sections.
4. You don’t have the right size tube and that 29″ one isn’t going to fit into a 26″ wheel.
5. Your GPS dies, there are no road signs in this field, and none of your group can navigate by the stars.
6. Phytophtora ramorum (Sudden Oak Death) means you have to buy one bike for each trail centre to prevent cross-contamination. (At least that’s the excuse you’re giving your partner)
7. You spent the entire ride filming your front tyre. You even missed catching Dave going over the bars and falling off the side of that cliff.
8. You can’t nip out for a sneaky ride because your wife/husband/boss is following you on MapMyRide, Endomondo, and *add appropriate sports tracking software here.
9. You’re unable to purchase your favourite tyre because you can’t remember what the exact rubber combination was or how many threads per inch it had.
10. Two of your bladed spokes aren’t aligned properly and are definitely slowing you down.
11. They haven’t invented a negative length stem yet and your bike is still too long (or so your mates keep telling you)
12. The countryside seems devoid of wildlife since you upgraded to a Hope rear hub.
13. You’re convinced that your poor lack of control on the descents is due to the wrong viscosity oil in your lowers.
14. You’re not sure what the advantages of integrated headsets are, whether they’re better than semi-integrated, and what the hell all this has to do with zero stack.
15. You can’t go riding as your 860mm wide bars mean you’re unable to get the bike out of the house.
16. Fat people beat you in races. Apparently that’s ‘enduro’ which has nothing to do with endurance.
17. You’re not sure which tyre you’ve punctured – the outer or the pro-core inner.
18. Your partner has left you. The SRAM XX1 cassette was the final straw.
19. You live in Surrey and aren’t sure if ‘all-mountain’, ‘freeride’, and ‘gravity’ are terms which reflect your riding style.
20. You have to pedal home with your knees around your ears. Again. Reverb.